What The Hell Just Happened?

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*Warning – Contains embarrassing moments, but it’s OK , because they are only embarrassing for me*

You know how you get those charity people in all town’s that just stand there and try but fail miserably to stop people? Well this morning, I was on my way to work. And I was walking through town. I saw a guy in a blue charity jacket, stopping people, or trying. Anyway, I only had ten minutes to get to work, I was only five minutes away but still… I had no time.

This guy was gorgeous. I know I fancy all breeds of men (Yes, breeds…) But he was cute. He had the tall, dark and handsome thing going on. So he tries to stop me.

“Excuse me madam…. could I just……?”

“No , sorry, I have to get to work.”

“it really won’t take that long, It’s just really a quick…..”

“Sorry, but I really have to go.”

So of course he takes that as his cue to stand in front of me and block my path. I stopped, simply because I’m shallow and he’s fit.

“Where do you work?”

“Erm…. why?”

“Just curious.”

“Oh. Well , I can’t tell you , sorry.”

“You’re name badge says you work at *insert well known retail and beauty brand here*….. and your name is Laura.”

Stupid fucking name badge, always there to out me. And I am usually wearing a coat or something so nobody sees my name badge, but not today.

“Yes. That’s correct. And I really have to go now so….”

“I just need to ask you a really quick question.”

People,this guy was really cute. And I am a sucker for a cheeky smile.

“Fine. Quick then.”

I genuinely nearly spat my starbucks coffee out when he spoke next and that would be a hate crime to waste coffee…… Honestly. It was so , SO awful. It made me cough, which in turn made me look like an idiot.

“What’s your number?”

*cough … splutter…. what the fuck….. am I still asleep…..*

“What?”

He looks at his clipboard and then tells me something I kinda already knew.

“Yeah, we’re not really supposed to ask that.”

No, you don’t say?!

“Oh. Erm. OK” *laughs nervously because I am the Queen of cool.*

“Have a good day at work, might have to pop in later.”

Holy shit, please don’t. This is humiliating enough. But I still add to my pain…. even though the ground is refusing to swallow me up.

“So you aren’t actually going to ask me anything then?”

“I just did.”

“About the charity?”

“Oh. No. See ya.”

And that was that. One of the strangest charity encounters I have ever had. And if you would all like to know, he didn’t ‘pop’ in. But he did walk past. Which made me shut the till on my hand.

And I didn’t tell this story for anyone to take it seriously, I am highly assuming it’s a weird joke. I think I will be on one of those hidden camera shows. So you can all tune in then.

The humiliation wasn’t quite over. Let’s talk about serving customers that are complete and utter sex Gods in suits shall we? So usually, I can handle it, I haven’t managed to lose it in front of any customer just yet. This tall dude walked in wearing a brown suit, sounds weird but it worked. And he had the stubble thing going on. My workmate on the till next to me started nudging me frantically….. “Oh look, a hottie ….. ” (See, It’s not just me that drools over men!!)

I got to serve him. Lucky me. Apart from I made a complete and utter tit of myself. He only came in to buy a drink. We have to ask everyone if they would like a bag, so as he puts his drink on the counter, I say…..

“Would you like a drink?”

I realised my mistake straight away, after my cheeks had went bright red.

“Uh… sorry, I meant would you like a bag?”

He started laughing AND THEN SAID…..

“We can go out for a drink if you want”

Everyone including my work mate and the line of people started laughing and I dropped his change while giving it to him.

I apologised twice for the mistake, and he was very sweet and said it’s fine and not to worry. But honestly, I was not asking the dude out for a drink. Why does this stuff happen to me?!

I am convinced that the whole world is in on some weird hot dude joke today. What just happened? Seriously….. What????

 

I Can’t Sing – 05/04/2013

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I finally made it!! A few weeks back, after having the worst bug and having to miss out on the original show we had booked, I made it to the London Palladium!!

There is so much to tell from yesterday! So I am just going to skip straight to the good stuff. After walking around London for about six hours… (Sahara Smog still going strong …OH, and guess what… it was world pillow fight day. ((wtf?)) , so we got to breathe in dust and feathers. It was a treat.)…. I met up with everyone’s favourite drunk Aussie – Jus. Or Castic as she is sometimes known. She has just been back to the land of hot blonde six-packed Aussie beach hunks for a few weeks, and she very kindly brought the littles some gifts back. It was very sweet of her, and I know she deliberately gave me some instructions to tell them something like…. “These aren’t Koala BEARS” … so I naturally told them they were Koala BEARS. And they were very happy and they have been carrying them around all day, so thank you Jus! That was a real sweet thing to do. 

It was amazing to see Jus, November is a long time to not see people you speak to daily. (Paps and Stephy, the day would have been awesome if we had have been reunited too, but one day soon!) 

Jus and I argued about just how delicious Chord Overstreet is while we waited for Ali. When Ali arrived a few minutes later, it was brilliant!! The same goes to her, November is way too long and we live so far away from each other that it is crap. So I had a very happy heart when her little face popped up among all those London people. 

We decided to head straight for the I Can’t Sing area, and Jus decided to walk us through these weird back alleys on a route that took around five hours (Or not even fifteen minutes.) She’s a Londoner as well as being a drunk Aussie, and when we suggested getting the tube, she laughed and marched off with a purpose. Note to Jus – I am not an Olympic Athlete …(Nearly – But not) and it was hard to keep up. Your legs move like Mo Farrah’s, what is the deal with that? 

Anyway, Jus wasn’t seeing the show with us , but we were meeting up with two lovely people we met back in the Rock Of Ages days. Noor and Sigal. It was actually Noor who presented Ali and I with the opportunity of seeing the show and we are so grateful she did, because after missing out a few weeks back, I wouldn’t have been able to see it for a huge long time if it wasn’t for last night! 

Noor and Sigal to me, were very lovely people who we didn’t get to spend nearly as much time as we would have liked to last year. So the chance of spending an evening with them was something we looked forward to. I had known they were lovely before, they were like the two little rays of ROA sunshine, but after spending REAL time with them last night, I was more certain than ever that they both have a heart of gold. They are both intelligent and well balanced, and see the world in a positive light, and that is wonderful. I really hope we get the chance to see them again soon. 

Nauseating compliments are over, for the moment! 

Anyway, Ali, Jus and I met Noor and Sigal in Costa and had a catch up before the show. And even though we were in there for probably around an hour and a half, the time felt like about five minutes! We just looked at the clock and it was time to go watch the show, it flew by. 

We lined up outside the Palladium which looks AWESOME with all the I Can’t Sing posters. I was so excited, I have never been in the Palladium before, and it lived up to my expectations. Some of those places in London are beautiful! One funny moment was one of the ticket/usher guys as we walked in fell down a step very clumsily, he didn’t quite style it out bless him. And then he genuinely looked at everyone and was like…. “Oh, I nearly fell!” And I really wanted to tell him that he DID fall, but I am sure he knew that anyway. And I know from experience how embarrassing it can get falling over in front of crowds, but he was so sweet! 

Anyway, we took our seats to watch the show. You may have noticed I haven’t titled this post as an I Can’t Sing Review, because I don’t want to review it in detail. There are still a few people I know who want to see it and I don’t want to give any spoilers away. But what I can say is from the moment it started, I had a smile on my face. 

I like bonkers.And the show is definitely bonkers. There is so much going on from start to finish that it is impossible to look away and get bored. And it most definitely sticks two fingers up to the critics. I don’t know how anybody could go into that show and take it ‘seriously’…. it is what it is, fun, bonkers and piss taking entertainment. 

Cynthia Erivo  who plays Chenice has vocals like no other. Powerhouse. I watched her on The Royal Variety performance a few months back, but seeing her on a youtube clip or TV and then seeing her live is a totally different thing. I dare anyone to not be wowed by that voice. She has obviously been perfecting the ‘I Can’t Sing’ song since TRVP and it has paid off. I thought she was good before, but she is blowing the audience away every single time with that voice!! 

My personal favourite character (Other than Simon Lipkin of course) was probably Liam, played by Simon Bailey. He played the ‘Dermot O’Leary’ character, and he had me in fits every single time he was on stage. He had all the mannerisms of Dermot, and I found myself really surprised that out of everyone, he was probably my fave, because honestly… I have no strong feelings on the actual Dermot O’Leary. I neither like him nor dislike him. He is just someone who sort of washes over me. But Simon Bailey nailed it, and he definitely evoked the most laughter from me. 

There were so many stand out cast members though. I can’t talk about the show without mentioning Nigel Harman as Simon Cowell. Brilliant. Camp. Funny. Great voice. He was amazing and I was SEARCHING my brains trying to imagine anyone else playing Simon …. I can’t. That’s not to say I am dissing his understudy or anyone that would potentially take over the role, I just can not imagine anyone else doing it. Nigel Harman is one of those under rated people in the theatre world, and I do hope this show is getting him the credit he deserves. 

There was Max played by Alan Morrissey, who was adorable. Very talented guy. He also had great comic timing. I think you have to have good comic timing to fit into this cast. The two that played ‘Jordy’ AKA Cheryl Cole and ‘Louis’ had it spot on. Whether you are a fan of Xfactor or not (I haven’t been for years, last series I watched was Shayne Ward) , you would laugh. It is hilarious. 

So yes, the whole cast worked so well together , the audience were laughing the whole way through and it was a really, REALLY fun night. 

When Simon Lipkin came on to the stage as ‘Barlow’ , my night was made! I have missed him as Lonny. Well, I have missed him on stage period. He is the best comic relief! I don’t know if it’s his expressions, or the way he talks or what …. I just don’t know , but he never fails to make me laugh. He also received if not THE, then one of the biggest cheers of the night. He just makes people love him! I am pleased to see him in another role besides Lonny. No matter how good the role of Lonny was, he is too talented to stick to one role indefinitely. So even if ROA was still going on, I would have liked to see him move on. 

I have seen a lot of people talking about how they won’t see I Can’t Sing, and how they are disappointed in Simon for going to this show. I just think these people need to see the bigger picture. How can anyone possibly have an opinion on a show they haven’t seen? I would have way more respect for somebody who went to see the show then said ‘No- It wasn’t for me, I didn’t like it.’ Fair enough, that is an opinion. But you can’t have an opinion on something you haven’t seen. People nowadays are too narrow minded to see the bigger picture. Not every show is going to last and work. Not every show is going to fail. As performers, these people want to take risks, they want to explore what is out there, and if you are a fan… then you really should support them. 

This life is way too short to be bitter about things like this. About a show with the main intention of making people laugh. I very much kept my opinions to myself before seeing this show, because really… I had no right to have one. You cannot ever judge something you haven’t seen. Never judge a book by it’s cover. There was a show I saw last year, and I did not like it, at all. But I didn’t give it a bad review. Negativity breeds negativity. And all I kept in mind was regardless of my feelings, there were people on that show who worked their shitting asses of every single day to bring others entertainment. Simon looks happy and content in his new job, and I think it is perfect for him. 

My face ached by the time we were walking out of the theatre. We of course went to the stage door. The lovely Alan Morrissey came out first and Noor spoke to him. He seemed really sweet and down to earth. I think we quickly told him how great he had been, because I am a total suck up and well… because he was fab ;-) But it was all a bit of a blur actually and I can’t remember word for word what went on. 

Mr Lipkin walked out looking rather dapper. He was all dressed up clearly ready to go somewhere and it was so lovely seeing him talk to fans again at the SD. He really is a nice guy and I think it’s another reason why people just totally fall for him. We got to speak to him for a bit even though he was clearly off somewhere, and even though I went to ROA many times and he was lovely every time, it still amazes me that these people just stop and speak to you. I never expect them to, so it is all the more lovely that they do. As usual, I made a fool of myself at SD, I think Ali mentioned something about how I made it this time and I said something along the lines of how proud I was of myself for not puking or being ill tonight like I was last time …. (Yes, really. Groans.) The general agreement with Ali, Noor and Sigal was that Simon smelt nice. He very much did. But i can only assume I am missing insulting Dan at the stage door so I told him he didn’t smell nice. And then one of the girls said how he doesn’t sing enough in the show, and everyone agreed, but me because I told him he sung plenty. Luckily, these people have so many stage door encounters that they won’t remember stuff like this. It’s what gets me through. I don’t want Simon to be my new Dan, because Simon is great and Dan is just Dan . (Also great, no idea where the trend of insulting him came from, maybe I am just really intimidated by his talent so I feel the need to be awful to him.) I am actually not mean to anyone else so …. *shrugs.*  . Anyway, as I said, once again… the fact that Simon stops and appreciates his fans is so lovely. And seeing him speak with Ali, Noor and Sigal briefly reminded me of ROA SD and that was always fun. Simon was with the group for a bit and there was loads more said between everyone, but like I said before… it’s really a total blur. Every stage door encounter I have tends to be a …. ‘WTF did I just say?’ moment, but it was good to know that even the lovely Noor, who I always think acts so smooth at the SD, has those moments too. She thinks she does. But she doesn’t. But what I am trying to say is I think everyone thinks they have those moments. But it’s OK . Because hopefully these people encounter fans who are way more strange than me so…. it’s good. 

I had heard rumours since I Can’t Sing that Nigel Harman is very sweet at SD , and a little shy. That seems to be the general agreement of people who have met him. Oh my God guys who are reading this … ~(Ali, Tanja ;-) ) … I melted when I met him. Honestly. You know when someone is just so adorable that you even feel a bit weird for thinking how hot they are? Because Nigel Harman is very handsome. I fancied the pants off him back when he was in Eastenders, but I totally forgot he was a hot man at SD because he is just…. well… adorable. He has this little smile thing going on that just makes you want to squish him, and he is so well spoken that he’s just…. aw. I mean, the dude is wonderful. And yes, I am in agreement that he is shy. Shy in the most adorably want to keep him forever way. He was an absolute gent, bags of talent , and I am so pleased I got to meet him that I have this awful picture (of me, the others look amazing) as my new PP ! He is a complete sweetheart. 

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There was an unexpected surprise at SD! There is a guy in the show who plays Gerrard Smalls , and he is Simon Cowell’s PA …. or something. In the show, he was wonderfully flamboyant and eccentric. Every cast member brought something to the show, and he was wonderful, it really is a cast that seem to be gelling well. Anyway, the guy that plays him…. Billy Carter…. well I think he surprised all four of us girls actually. He just walked up to us and started speaking. He asked us if we enjoyed the show and thanked us all for coming. He was absolutely LOVELY. He asked us where we all from and he said how he had all of his sisters coming over to watch him in the show next week. He was impressed with Noor , Sigal and Ali having been to the show more than once and he was just so , so sweet. What an absolutely lovely down to earth man. I will say again, I never expect anyone to stop at SD, let alone walk over and speak to us willingly. He was lovely. 

Ali and I had to get back to the hotel because the tubes were messed up and we had to go a different route, and it was already quite late so we didn’t want to get caught out. We said our goodbyes to Noor and Sigal after a truly wonderful night and made our way back. We nearly took back a truck full of six firemen but that is a story for another day, hey Ali ;-) 

We done our usual ‘all night talk, no sleep’ thing we do in London. The thing is , it never started out that way. The first time we stayed in London together we definitely intended on getting some sleep. But it just didn’t work out that way. I think because we live so far away, and we have so much to say to each other that three hour phone calls just won’t cover (!) we just sort of end up chatting and before we know it, It’s time to check out of the hotel. 

We kind of got to talking …. (OK , I did) about just how sexy Chord Overstreet is. And you know… how he would definitely….. you know what I am trying to say here… and anyway, so Ali starts getting her stuff together and I stumble across a little video he just uploaded . Birthday Suit. Honestly. My ears had sex. Chord Overstreet singing about how girls are beautiful with no make up and how ‘I WANT YOU IN YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT’ . Oh jesus. Oh my God. Anyway… I kept singing it to Ali. She was impressed. Especially when I was singing about nakedness and stuff at 6am, but…. I mean…. it’s a catchy song. 

All too soon it was time to part ways and it was sad. Always hard saying bye to a best friend. I love you Ali!!! Thanks for everything yesterday, and thanks to everyone else who made the day so special. 

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Look at this girl. She is so cute!!! Miss you already, see you next time!! xxxxxx

It’s Mothers Day

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You didn’t really think I would let it pass by without a blog did you?! 

I am just going to be honest right now…. For me, Mothers Day is completely baffling. And I am a Mum. Listen, I’m not a grump…. (Close friends and family, please keep quiet about this statement….) … I love holidays and celebrations. I always defend Valentines day…. I think it is good to celebrate love and nice things. 

But Mothers Day? 

It is weird, because to me…. (this is where I will lose all my readers now…..) it is Mothers Day every day. Mums are wonderful, and they deserve love and praise and thanks. But then…. surely they deserve it everyday? 

And it’s the thought of my children thanking me for being a Mum …. that is what I find weird. They have nothing to thank me for. I knew what was going to happen when I fell pregnant with them. I knew my life would change. I don’t expect thanks or a celebration. It is my duty to care for them. 

Back when I was with the kids Dad, Mothers Day was never a big thing. I would watch my friends who are Mums posting on facebook about how spoilt they have been, how they had breakfast in bed , how they got wonderful presents. That never happened with me. I mean, the dude could never remember my birthday after 8 years, (By the way, 11th of September is pretty memorable for reasons besides me turning older, it’s honestly not difficult….) so he was hardly going to go all out on Mothers Day. I remember being so excited when the first Mothers Day with Leona rolled around, I kept thinking  …. “Yes, this is ace, I’m a Mum, on Mothers Day, it is going to be so awesome” …. and it was. I didn’t get anything , but I did. I got love from Leona. And that is way more important than anything else I could have received. And it is only since then, since the first Mothers Day, that I realised I found this day a bit odd. 

Now the littles are at school, they make me a card. On Friday, Lex came home from school. 

“Mum, don’t look in my bag. I made you a Mothers day card with a rose on it and it says I love you.”

He is no good at surprises. Not as bad as his sister however. 

“Yeah, you can’t look in my bag either. In fact, I’m gonna go hide it because you can’t have it til Sunday.”

She runs upstairs, five minutes later she is back down and looking at me strangely. 

“Maybe you should just have it now. It’s almost Sunday.”

” No Leona, I can wait. I’m excited to see it on Sunday.”

“Well…. I think I’m just going to give it to you anyway.”

“No really, it’s fine.”

“OK , I will just tell you then, I spent ages cutting out 3D hearts and then N (a girl in her class) totally copied me and I was the only one in the class who didn’t do a flower. So then I wasn’t the only one to do a heart anymore. And then when I wrote “To Mum, You’re the best, Love from Leona” She copied that as well, apart from she put her name. Oh … and it is orange and yellow, your favourite colours.”

So yes, I knew exactly what was coming my way this morning. 

And I loved them. 

So what I am trying to say is…… it doesn’t matter if it is Mothers Day or you know… some other day. I don’t need thanks or presents from the littles. I don’t need declarations of how great I am for being their Mum. ( I am amazing but that is not the point.) Because…. it’s not a chore, or a job. It’s a pleasure. So really… I should be thanking them. In fact, next year, maybe I will do that. Maybe I will get them a card to say they are the best thing since Chocolate Chip Cookies and tell them all day how amazing they are. 

After all, Leona did ask today… 

“But why isn’t there a ‘Happy Children’s Day’ ?” 

Anyway, regardless of my thoughts on the day, I will still say a huge Happy Mothers Day to all you Mum’s out there. I hope you do get lots of love, presents, cards and wine. Actually, I could do with a glass of wine right now. X

The Interview

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I recently got offered a new job, much to my delight.  And now all of that has been sorted , I feel I can do the blog post that I wanted to do ages ago. 

Looking for work in this day and age isn’t easy. There are so many people out of work that it really isn’t fair, because believe it or not, some of these people want to work. Somebody I have known since I was a baby, who has worked from the age she left school at 14, has found herself with no work at the age of 45. And nobody will give her a go at anything because she has done the same thing for all her life. It’s hard out there. 

Anyway, this blog post is a look back on two recent interviews I have had. Both a group interview and a single interview. Anyone looking for work will have had some experience of how these things go…. and they are so uncomfortable! 

First up – Nightmare on Group Interview Street. 

I can’t tell you how much I dread group interviews. I dread single ones enough, but group interviews are the worst things ever. First, I get pushed into a room to wait for everyone to arrive. I am the standard sort of ‘arrive ten minutes early for anything important’ person. Already, there were three guys waiting, all teenagers, and one very smart guy probably around my age, dressed in a suit and quite frankly, looked way too smart for this particular job. So that is four guys and me, nobody talking. 

“How long have you guys been here then?” I say, trying to break the ice. I have done this before and I know that pretty soon, we will all be forced to talk to each other because in somehow, in someway, this determines if we are good enough for the job…… ?!??

I get grunts back from two of them. They clearly weren’t in the mood for talking. Soon , we are joined by a 17 year old girl who belonged in Little Mix, a very bubbly South African woman, a shy blonde girl who was my age, an older retired age gentleman in an official sort of uniform, and an older lady who also looked near to or was retirement age. 

That made up our group. I try to talk to the others that had joined us, and the only one who spoke was the South African. 

After ten minutes of everyone staring at each other, we get ushered into a huge room with a huge table. I walked in first because nobody followed the interview person when she said to follow her… so I ended up on the table first. I kept thinking to myself…. please be sat next to the only kind one in the room, the South African (I have no clue what her name was now, ooops….) but it wasn’t to be. 

I got stuck next to smart dude and one of the young teenage dudes. A dude sandwich. 

Two other interviewers came in. I guess they need a few of them for a bunch of people. We all sat and listened as the man interviewer went bright red and told us about himself. He was making awful jokes like “See, if I can talk in front of you scary lot then you can all talk together soon.

The two woman interviewers followed the lead of the man and pretty soon, we all knew useless facts about these people. 

They asked us to pair up. I had the young teenage dude and not the smart one because the teenage dude was right at the end and had nobody else on the other side. Booo. Don’t get me wrong, teenage dude turned out to be a lovely fella, but smart guy was … well, in a suit. And my age range. 

We were told to talk with our new buddies for a few minutes , before telling everyone else what we had learned about them. It was an activity to see how much we would take in and how friendly we were to each other. Our presentation to the others had to include “Why they wanted to work for the firm, how old they were , and an interesting fact about them…..” 

I turned to face him, I’m just going to name him ‘B’ . He was sweet and I would be mortified if he ever stumbled across this and thought I was throwing him under the bus, I’m not… I am just merely pointing out how awful these interviews are. 

“Well, this is all going to be jolly good fun.”

B “Did you just say jolly?” 

“Yes. I like the word jolly. It’s jolly.”

B: “Right….. I’m B. I’m eighteen and I am looking for a career change.” 

“Wow, I feel old. I’m Laura, I’m 27 … and I just really need a job to be fair.”

“You are 27? No way. You look younger than me.”

“That’s probably because I act younger than you.”

He shrugs. 

“I wouldn’t know about that.”

“No.” 

Awkward silence. 

“So…. B , Tell me an interesting fact about yourself.”

Meanwhile, all three employers are just staring at us two in particular. Why? What did I do to deserve this?!

“OK , Well currently I work at Mcdonalds….” 

I then talked a load of waffle about how he is ace because Mcdonalds is fucking hard work. And I am not kidding. When I was younger, I had a best friend and a boyfriend who worked there, and they worked their absolute backsides off.

“So… I want to leave Mcdonalds because this job is less hours and I want to pursue a political career.”

“Ah wow , that is pretty cool. Good luck with that. You must be smart then.”

“Not really.”

Awkward silence. 

“Uh… anyway, my interesting fact…. Well, I have two beautiful children, but so do a lot of people so…. Oh… I have an umbrella in my heart.”

I use this line in any interview where we have to do interesting facts. It’s my go to line. And it’s true. 

“You have a what?”

“An umbrella in my heart.”

He looks completely baffled. 

“Oh OK . Well also…. That interviewer there …. (He points to the young woman interviewer) , I once got into an arm wrestle with her, and I lost, then she drunk all my shots.” 

I didn’t really say much to this because I wasn’t entirely sure just how that fitted in, but luckily we were called to silence. 

We had to watch two other couples before us. It was brutal. They had clearly hated every second of this interaction with each other. 

When it came to our turn, I went first as B was sitting there bright red bless him. 

“This lovely lad is B, he’s eighteen and is looking for a career change. He has an avid interest in politics which is just awesome, and he is used to a fast paced working environment with his current job. ” I then point at young woman interviewer…. “And you…..” ‘Me?’ “Yes you…. remind me to never go out drinking with you. You win at arm wrestling and then drink shots.”

She laughs hysterically which makes the whole room laugh uncomfortably. 

“B, I can’t believe you told her that. I forgot about that. Oh my God. Right well…. thanks for that. B, what did you find out?”

He still has red cheeks and stares at the table while he speaks. Clearly , people must have thought I terrorized him during our chat. 

“She’s Laura, 27 , has kids, wants work, and she has an umbrella in her car.”

Thanks for the hard sell there B, I sound fucking fascinating.

Everyone is just silent and stares at me.

“Uh, I do not have an umbrella in my car. I have an umbrella in my heart.”

“I thought you said car.”

“Why would I say car? Why would having an umbrella in my car be an interesting fact about me?”

Oh dear God, smart guy to the right of me is looking on in amusement.

“Well, it can be interesting like…. if it rains.”

“Right… well if me having an umbrella in my car is my interesting fact, then I am doomed forever.”

More uncomfortable laughter.

The other two couples round off what they learnt which is basically naff all.

Next up, a role playing thing. Oh brilliant. The only role play I like is when Darren Criss gets home from work… dresses up in his fire fighters uniform and…. where was I? (Please note, this has only happened in dreams. I am sure I didn’t even need to explain that one. )

So we had to pick a product out of the bag, and we both had to be the customer and the seller. We had a few minutes to practice both roles before doing the presentation of both roles for the room. Like I said, Brilliant.

B was a gentleman and let me pick the product. Turned out to be a Lucozades Sport cherry flavoured drink that went our of date January 2011.

“Wow, the colour to this is not good. It looks like it has been nuked or something. I dare you to drink some.”

B looks at me like i’m bonkers (Fair point) and asks if we should get on with it.

We watched the two other couples go first…. and it literally went…..  

“Can you tell me about this product.?
Yes, it’s great because….” 
How much is it?
“Such and such , thanks , bye” 

And I watched this four times over because each couple had to be customer and seller. So it was riveting. I kept myself entertained by thinking of the really great sounding episode of Vampire Diaries I had to catch up on. 

Then it was our turn. I was the customer first. 

“Hey, I just noticed this in your fridge, and I was wondering if you could tell me if it’s any good. It says on the bottle that it is the drink for athletics, and as you can tell, I have an athletic body.” (OK , It was meant to be funny, but not that funny. Also, the girls who were all lovely, were all at least two sizes bigger than me so….. thanks everyone. I am thrilled you find the idea of me being athletic a hoot. That was one joke that backfired on me right?)

B looks at me blankly. 

“Oh well… It is good coz.. it’s for sports so yeah.”

“Oh great, could you tell me the price? The price label must have fallen off in the fridge or something.”

“I don’t know but it’s probably around a quid or something.”

Oh , well yeah, probably. I mean, I could have guessed it. Kill me now. 

“Lovely. Just curious if it also comes with this bit of fluff on the lid, or do I pay extra for that?”

He didn’t get the joke, but at least the interviewers laughed. 

Then it was his turn and it pretty went much how everybody else’s had went.  

We then had to fill out basic forms in silence , and then it was time to go. Before I walked out, one of the interviewers grabbed me. 

“You were great, we would like to offer you a one on one interview straight away.”

I know it sounds like I’m boasting but I’m not. Anyway, turns out I couldn’t do the hours, they forgot to mention it was an overnight job. As we walked out, one of the young guys who hadn’t said boo all night was well chuffed with himself. 

“That went really well, I think I might have it.” Ah bless him. Maybe he did get it. 

Now we move on to the one on one interviews. This one on one interview I am about to describe is not the follow up one I had to the group interview. It was for a completely different company. 

I walked in, and was met by ‘J’. He shook my hand and I gave him a pathetic wimpy handshake back. And all I thought was …. ‘Oh fuck’ , they judge people on handshakes, I’ve lost the job…… 

Anyway, I walked up to the interview room, and there was this ultra posh blonde woman in a suit, and she was giving me daggers. Shit. Never break eye contact , never break eye contact…… 

All the greetings are made , and on to the hard stuff. Why do I want to work for the company? (Because I need money and am desperate is not appropriate.) How can I personally make the company money?.( That is a tad unrealistic, I will be a newbie , and unless I hold people at ransom, it ain’t gonna happen. But of course I said Good Customer Service and promotion.) What do you buy when you come into our stores? (Your own brand skin care range with mint is fantastic. Really helps me. (Lie, never used this before in my life.) How can you personally save the company money on electric bills? (Is this a real question? I answered with turning electrical appliances off that didn’t have to be in use. They jumped up and down like I scored a goal and said believe it or not, people never answer with that.) Name one example where I have excelled myself in a previous job…. (I’m not going to go into my answer here, it is vomit inducing.)

Then comes the whopper. The question nobody should have to answer because you sound like a first class, grade A bell end. 

“Describe yourself in five words?”

“Oh no. This is that question where I have to sell myself and make myself sound fantastic.”

Scary business woman nods and waits for my answer. 

“Happy.” 

J cuts in….. ‘Oh, I like happy. I have been here since 6 doing stock take. I need happy.’ 

“Well you would get happy. I love Monday mornings and people hate me for it.” J looks at boss woman dead seriously now and says …. “Can we hire her just for that?” ….. 

She doesn’t look very impressed and tells me to say four more words. Ah crap. 

“Enthusiastic.”

Like… it’s true. I am enthusiastic about coffee and Glee so….. 

“Friendly” (Don’t cringe for me, I already cringed for days after….) 

“And uh…. hard working. I know that is two. I done it on purpose because this is hell.”

She actually cracked a smile then. 

“I’m going to let you have another just to watch you squirm.” 

Thanks lady. Appreciate it. 

I shrugged. I yet again stated that it was torture. 

Then I said the most cringey of all which had nothing to do with the job….. “Loving” 

Oh the shame. 

I remember telling them I had good product knowledge , but if they were to test me right now then it wouldn’t be fair because I would definitely fail, and they laughed at that. This was a job I ended up getting, even after that believe it or not. 

So that is my story of the interviews….. hell right? Why are they so bad? Why why why???!!! 

In other news, the littles have a disco tonight. Leona was telling me that she would not be dancing with any boys . Boys are smelly and stuff. She’s right. 

Anyway, skip forward half hour to the school run. She has the sweetest twin boys in her year, one in her class, one in the other, and they sometimes walk to school together. Now listen, Leona is not allowed to date until she is 56, but if she has to date someone from her school when she turns that age , then the twins are fine. They are sweet and polite. They have little cherubic faces. And for about a year, despite being in the same class and walking to school together, they called her Fiona. 

So we will call him Twin one , I was pissing myself listening to their conversation. 

Twin One : Leona, it’s the disco tonight. We are so cool now we are older, we get to go to the big one instead of the babies one.”
Leona: “I know. It’s gonna be sooooo fun now we are grown up.” 
Twin One: “So are we going to dance?”
Leona: I’m going to dance.”
Twin One: “Yeah but… with me? Boys and girls dance at discos.”
Leona: “I don’t dance with boys. I dance with my friends.”
Twin One: “But we are friends. You are friends with all the boys in our class.”
Leona:Yeah but you are boys. You don’t count as friends. 
Twin One: “Oh, but we can still dance then?”
Leona: No. Sorry. 
Twin One: But it lasts nearly two hours.
Leona: Yes. And? 
Twin One: Well we have to dance at some point. 
Leona: Yeah well, we won’t. Did you do your reading homework?

And so the conversation is changed. How absolutely cute. Never give up twin one. If you always stay that sweet, I will let you take her to dinner in around 40 years or so. 

Anyway, I am off to find some chocolate for my athletic body…… 

Shoppy Horror

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Wow, I’m clever. That is totally a play on Little Shop Of Horrors and Rocky Horror and nobody has literally ever thought of that but me. I’m amazing. 

Anyway, there is a reason for the shoppy horror title. 

My post the other day about the hot pharmacist was pretty damn embarrassing, so I don’t think anything can top it. But I am now going to attempt to explain what it is like going weekly food shopping with two little talkative children after having had a horrendous sickness bug. Riveting I know. I bet nobody is reading this now, but i’m still writing. I’m like Madonna’s armpit hair, don’t care. And what is with that? It’s not cool Madonna…. or risky, or anything you think it is. Because even if razors and stuff had never been invented for us girls, we still wouldn’t be showing each other our armpit hair, so I literally have no clue what you are trying to achieve. And also, you must have been working on that for some time because …. it’s more impressive than a blokes. 

I literally just spoke to Madonna as if she’s reading this. I’m lost…. what was I saying? 

Ah yes. So yesterday morning. Saturday. Puke has not been seen for a day or so, none of us have eaten much at all this week but we are somehow in need of food, and I didn’t see no superman offering to do it for me. And don’t give me that shite about how he has more important things to do, this was important. 

The kids got their shoes and coats on, Leona clutching her I Love Harry Styles purse with £5 in, Lex just sort of screwed his £5 note up and shoved it in his pocket, because he’s a man. (Insulting Madonna and men in this post, I’m on a winner.)

Their uncle had given them the money as a treat for being poorly and brave this week, and said they didn’t have to put it in their save pots, so naturally they wanted to spend it at the supermarket….. 

He didn’t give me any money for being poorly, I will have to ask him about that. 

Anyway, we walk along to the supermarket, and I answer a gazillion questions. 

Lex: Mum, why are steps called steps?

“Oh, uh…. urm… erm… wait, do you mean like steps as in stairs or steps as in walking?”

Lex: Stair steps.

“Oh. Well because erm… they reminded people of the footsteps we take , because we have to step up stairs so they called them steps…….” (Yes, I am the master of bullshit. I get asked these sorts of questions a lot, and trust me, it’s easier to make crap up.) 

Lex: So why are footsteps called steps then? 

“They just are. Oh look, there’s a red car, how exciting.” (They didn’t find it very exciting, there were a lot of red cars around.)

Anyway, after what felt like forever, we arrive at the supermarket. I am in a bit of a weak , dizzy mode because since this bug, anything I do makes me go weird. It is not fun. I have had no appetite, and the thought of walking around shoving food in a trolley was making me gag. 

So in we go, the kids decide to spend their money on a comic. Lex’s had a dinosaur egg thing and Leona’s .. well, I didn’t look but I am certain it featured One Direction. 

On to the fruit and veg. Leona winding Lex up the whole way round because he hates vegetables but loves fruit. 

“Oh look Lex, yummy cabbage , mmmmm, I could just eat a plate of cabbage” (All these comments are serious, she freakin loves her veg. She told me the other day her dream dinner was a plate of boiled vegetables …. or failing that, a salad. )

“Mmmmm look Lex, Parsnips. Yum. Come on, why don’t you just try parsnips again for your big sister. We will eat them together. They taste just like jelly tots.” (Nice try Leona, but even he isn’t falling for that one.)

I’m bad in the fact that I pretty much let Lex get away with his hate of vegetables. I mean, he loves all fruits, he eats peas , sweetcorn and carrot sticks, and that is enough for me. I don’t push him, but will always put something different on his plate just in case he’s feeling brave! 

So while these veg conversations are going on, I am trying to think of what we need, gripping on to the trolley and hoping not to pass out and puke again, just like yesterday at the chemist. At least this time, the sexy DC lookalike wasn’t there, just you know…. 500 strangers. 

I managed to throw some stuff in the trolley. I went to pick up strawberries, only for Leona to inform me that in the last week , she had gone off strawberries. Which surprised me as that girl will eat bloody anything. It’s OK though she said, because she still likes strawberry flavoured everything , just not strawberries. Good to know. 

Walking up the meat aisles was like my own personal hell, and that is just not fair. I fucking love bacon. And now, I am trying not throw up over it. I’m sorry bacon. We will regain our once close relationship one day I’m sure. 

Lex: Yona, did you know if you eat a fish with eyes on, you grow eyes inside you? 

That knowledge of fish is probably my fault, I don’t eat fish. Seafood is the work of the devil. But I do try and get them some fish sometimes just to be the hero that I am. Although I have never went as far as preparing them fish with eyes still on. Shudders. So yes, I probably blame myself for that one. 

Leona being Leona , argued against it of course. And she was right, but that is besides the point. They then both make me explain, next to fish with eyes on, that if you ate a fish with eyes on, eyes would not grow inside you. And all the while I could smell fish and see fish, and I hate fish even on a non poorly week. Blegh. 

Anyway…. milk, yoghurt… blah blah blah. Essentials ….. Tinned things, tissues…. washing powders. I was doing OK . Nothing was as bad as fish gate. 

We walk up the chocolate aisle. 

Leona: Wow, Mum, you must still be feeling bad. You haven’t even looked at the chocolate. 

By this point, I was extremely weak, seriously, things are proper making me tired since the bug. I just wanted to get out of the shop. Leona bless her, starts waving chocolate in front of my face. 

“But you love this one. Oh look Mum, four bars for a pound, you love it when they have those so cheap. Mum, this is really weird, we always spend about ten minutes in this row.”

You can’t fault her for trying. And telling every other person in close proximity that Number 1 ) I have an unhealthy in all ways obsession with chocolate, and 2 ) That I’m a fucking cheapskate ;-) 

Drinks , done….. Frozen foods….. chucked whatever in…. I am sure it is the most completely random food shop I have done to date. 

Anyway, load it all on to the checkout and now I have to stare at all the food again. Yuk. Honestly, I know I am making it sound like a huge deal, but it was. Of course , as always, something went down with the till before I got there and so we were held up, which prolonged my agony. 

I bagged it all up, and the checkout lady who was lovely, was just totally adding to my pain talking to the kids. 

“Do you help your Mummy cook? Oh lovely, what do you cook? Spag bol is my favourite as well, Oh really, I love chicken ! Oh you know what I really like? Cheesy chips.” Ohmygod. Gag Gag Gag. Don’t get me wrong, I love all those very healthy foods that were just mentioned but in case you all didn’t know, I have had a bug this week. 

Anyway, I managed to stagger out of the supermarket with my contents still inside my body. So that is good. And then we walked home. On the way I home … I happened to bump into fit Pharmacist guy. Ha , Just messing, I know you are all looking forward to that reunion , but seriously people, it’s not going to happen. He is far too good looking and sensible for the likes of me! And probably married. Or gay. Or both. But you know…. out of my league. 

Speaking of dreamy looking people , I am off to watch some Glee. 27 year old child. I’m a catch. Hope you have all had a gorgeous weekend full of non pukey things xxx

Oh and… only recent picture I have taken. So….. There we go. 

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And There He Was….

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I don’t know if any of you have heard, but right now, I have a sick bug. It may come as a surprise to many of you, I haven’t complained about it at all! At…. all.

Blegh. Ugh. Meh. Ughhhhhh. Aghhhhh. AAAAAA. Puke. Gag. And all nice things.

So basically, Leona came home from school Wednesday and started projectile vomiting. Picture it. Nice. I had to go out that evening and I was freaking out. I don’t mean out somewhere nice, oh no, I mean ‘work’ sort of out. Of course I didn’t want to leave her. I even nearly didn’t go. In the end , I decided I had to. The puking had sort of calmed down and she had a bit of colour back.

I got through two complete waste of time hours when all I wanted was to be at home with Sicky McSickison, and then I had to get a bus home. It was around 7ish – 8ish. I started feeling a bit odd on the bus. I only had a few stops to go but I couldn’t make it. I got off before I was anywhere where I needed to be, then puked up in the dark, on the street. Let’s not even go there. Mortifying does not even cover how horrible it was . Nothing does.

So obviously it was a pretty quick catching bug that’s for sure. Anyway, I will try and keep all of this short because I need to talk about what happened this afternoon, not Wednesday.

I called a taxi up after I had done the ‘we shall never speak of it again thing’ … knowing that I was too weak to walk and the taxi would only take 15 minutes. Luckily, I made it home without having to pay a hefty reward for throwing up in the car.

I spent all of that night awake, shivering, hot, cold, puking, sick, aching, tummy aches, head aches…. and just everything really. Seriously guys, it was icky. To make everything more perfect, Thursday was supposed to be the day I got to see Ali again. We were off to see I Can’t Sing, and would be meeting Elaine and Gemma (absolutely lovely twitter people who loved Rock Of Ages) for the first time. I was so excited about it, but these things always happen at the worst time. For example, last time Leona had a sickness bug, was on my birthday. I spent the day cleaning up puke and stuff. It was not making me want to eat cake.

Anyway, obviously I was disappointed about it and worried about Leona and feeling awful myself. The kids Dad took Lex to school , and as someone pointed out then ….”I thought something was wrong, he has never taken them to school!” ….

Anyway, I spent the day napping, puking, being a bit of a moany bitch on twitter and facebook. OK , a lot of a moany bitch…. and just generally being unwell.

(Oh , I will say actually, that I was very touched to see how many people actually wished me better and were gutted for me about London, that is a very sweet thing to see and sometimes, it shows who cares. Even if I didn’t reply to you all because my eyes were fuzzy, it meant a lot!)

This pattern of feeling awful carried on, and I finally got into a bit of a settled sleep sometime this morning.

Life of course goes on, and I couldn’t expect the kids Dad to take Lex to school again (Leona has to be off for 48 hours due to sickness, school rules, she’s fine today) , I mean he already done it once. Once since they both started. And that is just you know…. a crazy thing to ask a Dad to do . (Please detect my sarcasm.)

So I dragged my sorry ass out of bed at around half 7 , which is bad for me as I am usually up at half 6, and got Lex ready for his sports relief day at school.

As to be expected I felt weak, dizzy and sick. A lot better than yesterday but still blegh. I got little man to school, came back home, and wrote a bunch to take my mind of Pukesville.

At around two , I had to go pick up a prescription for my Dad. I always do it for him, he has to have a lot of medicine and I am able to get it better than him. My sister watched Leona for an hour (She offered to get the prescriptions but I stupidly thought Fresh Air would do me good.)

And off I went.

The sun was out, but I was freezing. I realised I had a temperature again.

I had a really thick blue jumper on and still wasn’t warm enough. My hair was down, but not in a nice way , just in a general, ‘I’ve been ill and can’t be bothered to look like a normal human being’ kind of way. I had no make up, red cheeks due to temperature, and the rest of me looked pale as Casper. I bet you are all turned on. Ahem.

The further I got along to the chemist (20 minute walk) … the worse I felt. I hadn’t puked since last night and I kept thinking… I’m going to puke on the street again. I then got really hot and was so hot I thought about walking along in my bra. (I would have , but honestly, I didn’t want to have to deal with proposals today.) And then I got cold again and thought I was in the antarctic. All in the space of a short walk.

As I neared the chemist, this very elderly lady was then going in. She had a walker and was trying and failing miserably to open the door. I ran up, opening it for her. I shouldn’t have ran. When I got into the chemist, I let the lady go first because obviously she had been in front of me anyway, and I sat on one of the empty chairs , trying not to faint. I felt like I was going to pass out at any moment.

The chemist was empty apart from me and the elderly lady, and I felt awful as I listened to her saying how she’s struggled to walk here from **** road. I know where that road is and it’s quite a trek. I knew I needed to pull myself together but I was on the cusp of puking or fainting and I couldn’t stop shaking.

I put my head in my knees and started taking deep breaths . I know I sound dramatic but I have fainted before when I was ill and I kept thinking…. ‘But I need to get Lex from School , I can’t faint now’ So I was freaking out.

Then a voice.

“Are you OK Miss?”

It wasn’t the elderly lady because the elderly lady was indeed an elderly lady and not a man.

And this is where I link an old blog post of mine. http://mysticmonkey86.wordpress.com/2014/01/16/thursday-thoughts/  Anyone remember this one?

It couldn’t be that guy could it? No way , that would be too weird…. well, it was.

It was the Darren Criss lookalike.

I looked up still shaking like a leaf and let’s face it, pretty much hyperventilating, and he was just there, above me, like a Darren Criss angel . In a white coat. That’s right people, he wasn’t just some random passer by who happened to be in the same place as me again. Oh no, he was the friggin Pharmacist.

Just to give you all a memory, it is this picture he reminds me of the most….. only with blue eyes, straighter hair,and a white coat.

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And he totally had the stubble thing going on.  And glasses. He had glasses.

I nodded, and I couldn’t really do anything else because I thought I would puke, over his shoes. Mind you, fainting on the other hand, would have worked out OK because he would have given me the kiss of life… obviously.

“You look like you need a glass of water? Do you need a glass of water? I’ll fetch you a glass of water”

He walked off, and I desperately tried to get my shit together. This was probably the most embarrassing experience of my life to date, and I have had a fair few.

He came back and handed me a plastic cup of water. My hands were still shaking. I stood up and he told me to sit back down for a minute. And then, I cemented my reputation for being the most cringeworthy person on the earth.

“I wouldn’t come so close. I’ve been chucking my guts up the last few days.”

He didn’t say anything, so I carried on.

“Sick bug.”

All the while, I was thinking in my head, this can’t be happening, this is not happening….. kill me now!

He laughed.

“I’m a pharmacist, I encounter ill people daily.”

As if things couldn’t get any worse for me right now.

“That would be a job from hell for me.”

Nice one Laura, tell Mcdreamy his job is awful even though it is in fact, a sought after and respected job. That will endear him to you.

“It was my idea of hell too which is why I done it. Face the germs, get them out of the way. Sip your water while I see to Mrs Phelps.”

He went off to the counter and served the elderly lady, while I sat there trying to dig a hole in the carpet with my feet so I could crawl under and never come back. Mrs Phelps grabbed her bag of pills, actually patted me on the head, genuinely and walked out.

McHotStuff came back.

“I’m here to pick up a prescription for Mr my Dad… *Obviously I didn’t say that, I said his actual name*

He nodded, ran back to get it and came back over , asking the address and such. He gave me the bag and took the cup of water.

“Did you eat that chocolate?”

Yep, he remembers as the girl with about eight chocolate bars in her hands. Oh well, at least now he will remember me as the chocolate hogger/ puker …. A lovely thing to be known as.

“Not all of it. Well, not in one day. It took me a while … “

Laughs.

“Uh huh. Well I recommend you go home, rest, drink fluids and when you feel better eat more chocolate.”

“OK….. ” (I was so tempted to say ‘OK, you huge hunk of white jacket manliness, but I didn’t. I kept my cool )

Instead of walking away like any normal person would after they had just told a gorgeous guy they were infected with sick germs and that his job was awful, I stayed for a minute longer. Don’t judge me. The chemist was empty and I am still hoping to get my romantic movie ending…. He’s out of my league, but DUDES, that is the whole point in movies.

“Where’s Sue? I have never seen you in here before.”

“Ironically enough, Sue is off with a sickness bug. I’m usually out the back. Short staffed today.”

Oh my sweet goodness he actually works here all the time. Wow.

“Ah. OK . Well give her my regards when she comes back.” (There are two things wrong with this, only morons say regards, and he doesn’t have a fudging clue who I am…… ‘Oh Sue, some girl who picks things up for her Dad in here, who has a liking for chocolate and sick bugs and insulting me and looks rough as shit gives her regards……’ Fucking idiot.)

“Yes. Hope you feel better soon. Take it slow on the way back.”

With that, a dashing smile and back over the counter he goes. I call out ‘Thanks’ , My cheeks red now with the combination of being poorly and being a complete and utter lunatic, I walked out.

When I got home, I felt just as bad as when I had first walked into the chemist, but like a hero ….(Yeah, that’s right….) I went and collected Lex from school!

I had to do it

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I am in a very Glee-ful mood today, and I just had to do this….. 

This is a post, showing you why Glee is the best thing since sliced bread and …. my kids. I should definitely say I do like the children more than I like Glee. Just. ;-) 

Enjoy. 

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I sort of just realised this is going to take some time , so I’m going to stop now. 

But I hope you enjoyed my very valid reasons of being a Gleek. 

Also , I totally fangirled last night because of this …..

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Thanks for making my life, Principal Figgins ;-) xxx

 

And of course, it wouldn’t be fair to say this girl isn’t a part of my love for Glee. 

She is amazing. 

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