I haven’t written a blog in forever! (Two days or so.) 

I had the BEST time on Friday! Derren Brown! 

I’m not actually allowed to do a detailed review on the show. He hypnotized us all not to say anything about it. Not really. 

I met up with Fiz a Liz in the pouring rain. And we waited for a bus that never came. Except it did in the end. Obviously. 

Her Mum, Dad and brother James were all seeing Derren Brown as well. Those guys were like a second family to me when I was growing up so it was wonderful to spend a night with them! Lizzy and I felt like fifteen year olds again for the night!! 

We went to get some food, (A Mexican burger with Mexican stuff. It was completely nice.) And all had a nice chilled out drink with the meal. 

And then we made our way in the rain to the theatre. Which was easier said than done actually. Many years ago, I hurt my back. In fact, my back problems become so complicated that despite physiotherapy and so on… it still gave me immense pain. And there were some things I couldn’t do anymore. Not life changing things. Just things like… Not being able to wear heels. During this week, my only pair of smartish flat boots broke. I couldn’t wear trainers with what I was wearing, or wellies and all my shoes are just not suitable for going ‘out’ in really. 

So I pulled out a pair of heeled boots. They weren’t high boots at all. Not compared to some peoples standards. But for someone who hasn’t worn heels for probably 6 years, and someone who shouldn’t be wearing heels , they were high enough. 

I know, I know. It was a teeny bit irresponsible of me, but luckily, my back has been OK since that night and I knew we wouldn’t be doing much walking. It was was a complete one off, so don’t tell my Doctor? Thanks. 

There I was, trying to walk/gallop/look graceful (none of which happened) in the slippery rain in heels I was not used to wearing… and it probably did make the walk there a bit longer than it should have been. 

Anyway, as we took our seats in the theatre, Lizzy and I were talking all about what could happen in the show. We got everything wrong of course. 

As the lights dimmed and they gave an announcement about feeling dizzy and lightheaded during the show could happen, I felt nervous. 

I have been convinced since we booked the tickets that I would come back as a chicken or something. It didn’t happen so that is definitely one silver lining. 

Derren Brown – How the fuck does he do it? Honestly?! That man is quite something. He scares me, he inspires me, he amazes me and he is funny with it! 

Some people are skeptical of people like Derrren Brown. And they say it is all trickery. But even if that is what you believe, and you insist it is all clever tricks, are you still telling me that you don’t find the tricks amazing??!

Some people are just so cynical. It would be great if everyone, just once in a while, could open their eyes wide enough to see the whole picture. 

Tricks or not, that man is one clever piece of a person. He is actually a whole person, not just a piece, but anyway. 

I really won’t go into ‘details’ , It would spoil it for anyone yet to see his magic on stage. But the show had everything, from rice, to bus routes, to trances, to Shakespeare, to money, to poker, and even words like DickBrain. 

This sounds silly, but the dickbrain thing may have actually been my favourite part of the whole show. 

I have never seen Derren Brown live before Friday night, but I have watched all his TV work and DVD shows. And he always struck me as confident, smooth, and collected. But at this show, we got to see a little bit of him that I didn’t know about. About the struggles he had at school because he was different. Because he would rather play with a rubix cube than do other stuff. Because he had an insane memory. Because he was different. 

My heart ached for him, now a grown man, with years of success behind him, as he spoke about feeling isolated when he was younger. Nobody should ever be made to feel like that at any point in their life! Derren kept the show light and humorous even when talking about school and things. But underneath the laughter, I could tell that there were times he really did despair. 

But why should that happen? Why should anyone be singled out for being different? It’s not fair! You would think, that now, in the year 2014…. that people would be kinder to one another. OK , so I know Derren is now older and his school days were years ago, but nothing has changed. People still get bullied, people still feel left out for being different, people still can be made to feel shit about themselves. And that is not right. 

Anyway, as he said at the end of the show…. DickBrains Unite. 

I am completely united as a DickBrain. I am proud to be a DickBrain. I am proud of the fact that even though people at high school thought it was OK to give me hell because I didn’t have as much money as them, or because I was under confident, or because I smiled the wrong way, or because they thought I was ugly .. that I am a still a DickBrain to this day. 

I am proud that I would never make anyone feel that way. 

Even now , on social media… Twitter Facebook, you see indirects all the time. And just a heads up girls, (In the case of social media, it is nearly always girls….) , You might think that you are being clever and indirect with your bitchiness, but you are not. We all know who it’s about and what it’s about, so maybe just think and keep your fingers off that keyboard before you go hurting someone unnecessarily.

So yes, my favourite part of the whole show had to be Derren’s vulnerability. It is so great to know that people are still human, no matter how much fame and success they have!

After the show, I felt pretty mellow. I don’t know if it was a side effect. I’m just going to pretend it was. I felt proper chilled out for a whole day after the show actually. It was ace.

Lizzy and I went to the bar for some Porn Star Cocktails. That is a dangerous drink. It tastes exactly like a  j2o, therefore it is easy to get rat assed on it. 

It was great spending time with Lizzy that night, and gave me a reminder of all the best friends in my life. 

The next day (Saturday) was lovely as well. I arranged to take the littles to the cinema with Helen. She has two very sweet little girls, one in Leona’s year and one in Lex’s year, but they are all in separate classes which is a shame. So it was nice to see them outside of school. 

Then the afternoon was very quiet as Helen kindly offered to have Leona and Lex round to play for the afternoon. So I kept up my chilled trance like state!

I got talking to my aceballs friend yesterday. When I say got talking…well, there isn’t really a day when we don’t talk… but anyway, we got onto the subject of pictures. Basically, I had taken a picture of myself for Derren Brown …. this one to be exact.



The girl being the dutiful best friend, said… ‘Aww, you looked lovely last night’ 
So I automatically done my usual response… ‘No I didn’t, I looked horrendous.’ 
She hears this a lot. I feel for her. She replied back…. 
‘Blah blah blah, I hate it when you say that…. and anyway, you can’t think you look horrendous because you wouldn’t put a picture up of yourself otherwise.’ 

And of course, she has a point. A very valid point. 

For years, on social media, I never had a profile picture of myself. It would be of a flower, or a child (my own I must state…) or something. 

It stems from a lot of things. I am under confident. My talking is an act of being under confident. I figure, if I talk shit, nobody will see how nervous I actually am. 

It stems from being bullied. It stems from previous relationships. It stems from things I done wrong at work. I always, day to day, feel like I am not good enough. 

I have frizzy hair. My hair doesn’t seem to look good whatever I bloody do to it. 

I have small eyes. And to top it off, they are bogey coloured. Bogey!! Not green, not brown, no… they just look like snot. 

I have a big nose. 

My lips are too thin. 

My smile is ridiculous, because I can’t actually smile. I look like a dick when I do.

My bottom teeth are wonky. 

I have always had weirdly massive boobs in proportion to my body. Since the age of 11 I have been accused of either stuffing my bra or having a boob job. 

I have big hips. 

My legs are tree trunks. 

So why on earth would I want to post pictures of me up on the internet?! 

Well, the real answer is…. Because I want to say a big fuck you to everyone who ever made me feel like a Derren Brown. I want to say, look, you may think i’m a loser, but I am still good enough to show my face. 

I want to say … Just because a few dozen of you told me I should die or go hang myself…. that I would never do that. 

I also want to say that you all have imperfections too, but 1) I’m not nasty enough to point them out…. because 2) Those imperfections are what makes you, YOU. 

And I guess I just want to say, I’m not hiding. I spent years hiding. I spent a few years being afraid to even walk down my own street in case I got pushed into a brick wall and banged my head hard again, or in case people chucked food out of a car window at me again. 

So I guess I wish I looked different, but also…In a way, I don’t. And that why, even though I cringe at any, and I mean any picture of me…. I still put them up. 

And just to balance it out, here is me Saturday morning, slightly hungover , no make up, hair scraggled, and looking rough. 



So this post had a bit of a theme. 

I think all dickbrains should unite. 

I think people should be kinder. 

I think, it doesn’t matter what you look like, as long as you are a decent person… then you will get by. (Oi, before any of you pipe up, I am still working on the decent person thing!)

I think the look on a former bully’s face the other day when I saw her in the street, smiled sweetly and asked her how she was after all these years was priceless. 

I think Derren Brown fucking rocked. 


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Inventing the world that's passing by.

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