Shoppy Horror

Wow, I’m clever. That is totally a play on Little Shop Of Horrors and Rocky Horror and nobody has literally ever thought of that but me. I’m amazing. 

Anyway, there is a reason for the shoppy horror title. 

My post the other day about the hot pharmacist was pretty damn embarrassing, so I don’t think anything can top it. But I am now going to attempt to explain what it is like going weekly food shopping with two little talkative children after having had a horrendous sickness bug. Riveting I know. I bet nobody is reading this now, but i’m still writing. I’m like Madonna’s armpit hair, don’t care. And what is with that? It’s not cool Madonna…. or risky, or anything you think it is. Because even if razors and stuff had never been invented for us girls, we still wouldn’t be showing each other our armpit hair, so I literally have no clue what you are trying to achieve. And also, you must have been working on that for some time because …. it’s more impressive than a blokes. 

I literally just spoke to Madonna as if she’s reading this. I’m lost…. what was I saying? 

Ah yes. So yesterday morning. Saturday. Puke has not been seen for a day or so, none of us have eaten much at all this week but we are somehow in need of food, and I didn’t see no superman offering to do it for me. And don’t give me that shite about how he has more important things to do, this was important. 

The kids got their shoes and coats on, Leona clutching her I Love Harry Styles purse with £5 in, Lex just sort of screwed his £5 note up and shoved it in his pocket, because he’s a man. (Insulting Madonna and men in this post, I’m on a winner.)

Their uncle had given them the money as a treat for being poorly and brave this week, and said they didn’t have to put it in their save pots, so naturally they wanted to spend it at the supermarket….. 

He didn’t give me any money for being poorly, I will have to ask him about that. 

Anyway, we walk along to the supermarket, and I answer a gazillion questions. 

Lex: Mum, why are steps called steps?

“Oh, uh…. urm… erm… wait, do you mean like steps as in stairs or steps as in walking?”

Lex: Stair steps.

“Oh. Well because erm… they reminded people of the footsteps we take , because we have to step up stairs so they called them steps…….” (Yes, I am the master of bullshit. I get asked these sorts of questions a lot, and trust me, it’s easier to make crap up.) 

Lex: So why are footsteps called steps then? 

“They just are. Oh look, there’s a red car, how exciting.” (They didn’t find it very exciting, there were a lot of red cars around.)

Anyway, after what felt like forever, we arrive at the supermarket. I am in a bit of a weak , dizzy mode because since this bug, anything I do makes me go weird. It is not fun. I have had no appetite, and the thought of walking around shoving food in a trolley was making me gag. 

So in we go, the kids decide to spend their money on a comic. Lex’s had a dinosaur egg thing and Leona’s .. well, I didn’t look but I am certain it featured One Direction. 

On to the fruit and veg. Leona winding Lex up the whole way round because he hates vegetables but loves fruit. 

“Oh look Lex, yummy cabbage , mmmmm, I could just eat a plate of cabbage” (All these comments are serious, she freakin loves her veg. She told me the other day her dream dinner was a plate of boiled vegetables …. or failing that, a salad. )

“Mmmmm look Lex, Parsnips. Yum. Come on, why don’t you just try parsnips again for your big sister. We will eat them together. They taste just like jelly tots.” (Nice try Leona, but even he isn’t falling for that one.)

I’m bad in the fact that I pretty much let Lex get away with his hate of vegetables. I mean, he loves all fruits, he eats peas , sweetcorn and carrot sticks, and that is enough for me. I don’t push him, but will always put something different on his plate just in case he’s feeling brave! 

So while these veg conversations are going on, I am trying to think of what we need, gripping on to the trolley and hoping not to pass out and puke again, just like yesterday at the chemist. At least this time, the sexy DC lookalike wasn’t there, just you know…. 500 strangers. 

I managed to throw some stuff in the trolley. I went to pick up strawberries, only for Leona to inform me that in the last week , she had gone off strawberries. Which surprised me as that girl will eat bloody anything. It’s OK though she said, because she still likes strawberry flavoured everything , just not strawberries. Good to know. 

Walking up the meat aisles was like my own personal hell, and that is just not fair. I fucking love bacon. And now, I am trying not throw up over it. I’m sorry bacon. We will regain our once close relationship one day I’m sure. 

Lex: Yona, did you know if you eat a fish with eyes on, you grow eyes inside you? 

That knowledge of fish is probably my fault, I don’t eat fish. Seafood is the work of the devil. But I do try and get them some fish sometimes just to be the hero that I am. Although I have never went as far as preparing them fish with eyes still on. Shudders. So yes, I probably blame myself for that one. 

Leona being Leona , argued against it of course. And she was right, but that is besides the point. They then both make me explain, next to fish with eyes on, that if you ate a fish with eyes on, eyes would not grow inside you. And all the while I could smell fish and see fish, and I hate fish even on a non poorly week. Blegh. 

Anyway…. milk, yoghurt… blah blah blah. Essentials ….. Tinned things, tissues…. washing powders. I was doing OK . Nothing was as bad as fish gate. 

We walk up the chocolate aisle. 

Leona: Wow, Mum, you must still be feeling bad. You haven’t even looked at the chocolate. 

By this point, I was extremely weak, seriously, things are proper making me tired since the bug. I just wanted to get out of the shop. Leona bless her, starts waving chocolate in front of my face. 

“But you love this one. Oh look Mum, four bars for a pound, you love it when they have those so cheap. Mum, this is really weird, we always spend about ten minutes in this row.”

You can’t fault her for trying. And telling every other person in close proximity that Number 1 ) I have an unhealthy in all ways obsession with chocolate, and 2 ) That I’m a fucking cheapskate 😉 

Drinks , done….. Frozen foods….. chucked whatever in…. I am sure it is the most completely random food shop I have done to date. 

Anyway, load it all on to the checkout and now I have to stare at all the food again. Yuk. Honestly, I know I am making it sound like a huge deal, but it was. Of course , as always, something went down with the till before I got there and so we were held up, which prolonged my agony. 

I bagged it all up, and the checkout lady who was lovely, was just totally adding to my pain talking to the kids. 

“Do you help your Mummy cook? Oh lovely, what do you cook? Spag bol is my favourite as well, Oh really, I love chicken ! Oh you know what I really like? Cheesy chips.” Ohmygod. Gag Gag Gag. Don’t get me wrong, I love all those very healthy foods that were just mentioned but in case you all didn’t know, I have had a bug this week. 

Anyway, I managed to stagger out of the supermarket with my contents still inside my body. So that is good. And then we walked home. On the way I home … I happened to bump into fit Pharmacist guy. Ha , Just messing, I know you are all looking forward to that reunion , but seriously people, it’s not going to happen. He is far too good looking and sensible for the likes of me! And probably married. Or gay. Or both. But you know…. out of my league. 

Speaking of dreamy looking people , I am off to watch some Glee. 27 year old child. I’m a catch. Hope you have all had a gorgeous weekend full of non pukey things xxx

Oh and… only recent picture I have taken. So….. There we go. 

Image

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The_Written_Laura

Inventing the world that's passing by.

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