I am one of those completely annoying people that loves the New Year. I know, I know…. ugh. Everybody loves Christmas and waits all year for it, but poor little December the 31st gets pushed to the side and sneered at. People are so negative about seeing the new year in and I find that sad! Unless that particular date holds a sad memory or anniversary for you, then I see no reason why you wouldn’t want to get your happy dance going on and join in the fun!
Among the negative things that get said about new years – the most heard of complaint is that is is just an excuse for everybody to get merry and make resolutions that they will break in a matter of days. But what is so bad about that?! Isn’t that the whole point? It is the one time of the year that we can TRY to be a better person, knowing it will never hold out….. It is the one time of the year we all have something to focus on, a new year = a new start and a whole new mind set. It may only last a few days for some of us, or it may last months. One of the changes you make at new year could just be the change you stick to forever that gives you a whole new outlook on life. And I find that quite a glorious concept.
So I hope all you guys are settling in to the new year nicely anyway! Embrace it. Go with it. Spread positive energy and look at the chances ahead for you. And if you do, I will stop banging on about new years……
But with changing our ways and making new goals in mind, I’m going to share mine with you all.
Last year was a bit of a weird one for me. I went through some things when I was younger, as we all do….. and I like to think I came out of it with a pretty positive outlook on life. I have never been confident as a person, but I was pretty confident about who I was.
In 2014, I started to lose that confidence. I can’t really pinpoint why. I guess I started to integrate myself with people I wouldn’t have before. I let people into my life when before I was a closed book. I’m a very selective person and up until late 2013 all the way through to 2014…. I wouldn’t tell people about my littles unless I knew them really well. I was very secretive about that part of my life through fear of being judged.
Anyway…. I lost my way a bit. I think I was overwhelmed with change and new people. Overwhelmed with opening up and trying to be what other people wanted me to be. It got to the point where I wasn’t myself anymore.
I have spent everyday since the age of before conception putting pen to paper or taps to keyboard keys to write things. Anything. Be that stories, articles, diary entries, blogs or doodlings of a not quite sane person. You name it, I would write it. In my world, the saying is definitely – A Chapter a day keeps the doctor away. The point being…. writing makes me happy. 2014 definitely saw a decline in my writing. I wasn’t feeling as up to it as I once was.
And then I noticed a pattern. It wasn’t just my writing…. on this blog, on my paper notebooks, on other things….. it was also my absence on social media.
You are all probably scratching your heads now in confusion because you are probably thinking I’m on it plenty. But for me…. I’m not.
I’m talking about twitter really. I mean… if this is going to be an honest post then it is probably best to be …. well…. honest. Obviously.
Since 2008 …. I have been what most would call a twitter nut. I like the site OK ?? The people that invented the site… I think…. did the world a good justice. You hear all the bad stories in the media about twitter, about trolls and nastiness and hacks. But you don’t hear the good things. You don’t hear about people becoming life long friends and ordinary people getting to tweet a fave celeb knowing there is a high chance they would at least read it even if they never reply.
It’s quite magical really, this ability to be able to just put an @ before somebodies name and send them a little something. Of course I am talking about people we wouldn’t usually get the chance to talk to in real life. If I wanted to phone my best friend for a chat…. I can. If I wanted to phone Hugh Jackman…. well, I wouldn’t be able to do that. But I would be able to tweet him when he posts a picture and tell him that actually, all things considered….. he’s not too shabby to look at.
So yeah, the point is… I like twitter. I’ve always liked twitter. Right from the start I have been a tweeter. I guess the newer people in my life would have only seen me tweeting certain members of west end shows in the last year or two. I do follow other people. I do tweet other people. But not everybody will see that because of the different people we all follow.
When my timehop updates …. I always look at it in astonishment and think…. wow. I have been at this twitter malarkey for years now and I never grow up. Five years ago, I was sending tweets to a One Tree Hill actor about a particular topless scene and saying it would be real nice if there could maybe one day be a repeat.
My tweets are of a similar topic today. When a girl wants what a girl wants there is usually no persuading her otherwise.
The difference in five+ years ago on twitter to now, is that now….. I feel disapproval. I have stayed the same, but throughout my sameness, I forgot that these new people in my life….. they don’t find it normal. My everyday friends would be concerned if I didn’t drool over a hot guy or talk about my love of coffee and bananas. But new friends means new learning curves.
And I am finding it hard. I am not confident on twitter at all anymore. It is probably half paranoia, half truth….. but it feels like my tweets are being analysed and judged by a select few. Why? Who the hell knows. But I know I am being judged because I have been told.
I have been told that people think I’m a bit of a twat. (They wouldn’t be entirely wrong!!) I have been told that my sometimes smutty tweets are offensive to people. I have even been told to tone it down. But to tone it down would be to change my personality. I can’t even make a joke on twitter anymore without being frowned upon. I know I have written a post about this before but I have been called attention seeking on the site….. which I would agree with. But so is everybody else on twitter. Any single one of us that writes a tweet would hope at least one of our followers reads it, otherwise….. why would we say it? So in that case…. I am being called an attention seeker by fellow attention seekers.
People I have come to recently know are finding my personality hard, which in turn…. I am finding hard. I am not one for opening up so if I tell you things beyond my twitter ramblings….. it would mean I trust you.
And to have it thrown back in your face hurts so much. I know a lot of you only see a weird girl who doesn’t stop talking and has Michael Watsons chest or Sandy Moffats legs on the brain. But before you knew me…. it was someone elses legs and someone elses chest. It was the same tweets seven years ago just to different people. It’s me. You might think you know what you know about me, but you don’t. You think I don’t know that a few of you have got together in your little groups and at some point ….. aimed horrible words at me. Because of the way I am on twitter. Even because of the way I am at stage door. You don’t like it , but it is me and I can’t change it.
What really hurts is when you think you can trust someone. When you think you can pretty safely say to somebody details about your life only to find out those details have been used against you. And spread around to the people bad mouthing you, told to the people you wouldn’t dream of telling anything personal to.
We all have flaws, but to be ridiculed for your flaws is to be ridiculed for being you. It’s not nice and I hoped and prayed that I had left the high school bullying days behind. I hoped to never be made to feel small again. But in 2014….. that happened.
Like I said…. it’s a learning curve. And with 2015 shiny and new, it is time to make some changes. Or not even make changes… but to go back to some old ways. To go back to being me I guess. To stop caring what people are saying about me and to tweet anyway. Just like I used to.
It’s such a weird and new concept to me…. having your tweets pulled apart. People are what they tweet….. (<< see what I did there?!) so in that sense, I’m being pulled apart along with the tweets. I have never cared if a tweet I send gets a reply or acknowledgement, I have never cared if I get a follow or an unfollow. I do twitter because I enjoy it. Simple as that.
In the grand scheme of things…. twitter is really nothing. I have my own life, I have my kids, I have housework, I have a job and friends. But at the same time, twitter is also me….. me being me….. and the fact I went from a daily twitter user to a part time scared to tweet anything user says it all. A little bit of me got lost last year because of what other people thought and that isn’t nice.
Before I make you all cry with the pointlessness, boringness and quite frankly nothingness of this post…. I will round it up.
2015 isn’t about me getting back on twitter. It’s about me getting back to myself. I want to write again without fear of being judged. The same applies for tweets.
2015 is going to be a year where I once again bring up the walls and keep them firmly in place. That sounds gloomy but it’s not!! I am happy in my world of littles, work, family and the friends I choose. I want to get back to that.
I also think 2014 made me bitchy. When I would hear that once again somebody had said something bad about me or called me a slut because I called some dude fit on twitter (apparently they can because I’m a single Mum so it’s fair game to use words like that – nice huh?!), I would go on the defensive and no doubt a few days later say something bad about them. And that isn’t who I am. I don’t like bitching. It has no place in my life.
I am a positive person. I love life. I love love. I love happiness and trees. I love sentimental things and happy things like cartoon bananas that are smiling. I love tweeting nonsense and not being judged for it. I love the people in my life who I can trust. This post is quite possibly the whingiest, moaniest yawn fest I have done to date…. but I needed to get some things out. I feel better for it.
My children teach me about love and acceptance every single day. Alex saw a little girl around his age in a wheelchair the other day and turned to me with awe in his eyes.
“Mum…. did you that girl? She had hair like a princess!”
How beautiful. How gorgeous to not see a chair…. to not see a girl who can’t do what other children can …. but to see her hair. To treat her as he would treat anyone else which of course, is what it should be like. I do know he has a disabled girl in his school and he is always telling me wonderful stories about her, he loves her to pieces and she is always at the top of his things to talk about. He adores her and has never once mentioned her disability. He sees her as the coolest girl around. He just accepts her for who she is.
And then there was Leona…… we were watching TV the other day and I kid you not …. this was how it played out.
*Advert comes on – documentary about the ‘Fattest people in Britain.*
Leona turns to me, horror on her face.
“Did you see that? How dare they. How dare they make a programme about fat people. I hope nobody watches it. In fact….. I shall write to the Queen so they don’t show it at all.”
I was quite bemused by her reaction, so I asked why she was so angry and she said words that will stick by me forever.
“We are all people. Next they will be making a programme about people with gaps in their teeth. It isn’t fair.”
……. Yes she has a gap in her teeth. I tell her every day she’s beautiful. I think somebody said something to her at school about it but I can’t be certain. Either way, she has a complex about it 😦 But her words….. ‘We are all people’ …… You tell em girl. We are. She later went on to say that instead of making a programme about fat people …. why wasn’t anyone out there helping them, like P.E teachers. She told me that her P.E teacher is really good and would have them sorted in no time. Don’t you love that? Don’t you love the simpleness of it all through childrens eyes?!
As a world , we all need to be more accepting.
And until we live in that world, I shall be putting my guard up again. While of course…being wildly inappropriate to hot men on twitter and boring you all to death in blog posts like i used to.
Here is to a healthy and happy 2015!!!!
Completely unrelated to any of the blog but I noticed I have had quite a few visits to my Jersey Boys posts recently which is amazing. I can’t believe you all put yourself through reading those!! Strange people 😉
Most of you will know and will have voted …but Michael Watson is up for Best Take Over in the What’s On Stage awards. He definitely needs to win. Not because he deserves it…but because he has said he will do another naked picture if he wins!! Motivation or what?! And of course he deserves it. He is incredible in the role of Frankie Valli. So vote vote vote!! Nakedness and happy Michael awaits you if you do!!!