…..But I like my shade of green. At the moment, I would say my grass isn’t even a shade of green. It’s more yellowing….fading. But luckily, I like yellow, and rather than seeing my grass as dying earth hair, I’m going to view it as golden corn. Or something. I’ve just realised I’m completely shit at analogies aren’t I?
I got to thinking earlier…. and for me, it was pretty deep. No, seriously. I know most of you think my thoughts are entirely made up of Jersey Boys, hot men, Glee, Coffee and Chocolate but there are other things going on in my teeny tiny brain. Those other things are the more important things and the secrets that I keep guarded in my heart.
This deep thinking sent me into a whole bunch of different brain directions. My 2015 so far…. it’s been standard. Not happy, not sad…just plodding and run of the mill. I haven’t been inspired (apart from when I saw The Theory Of Everything and wanted to rule the world straight after…… https://mysticmonkey86.wordpress.com/ . ) I haven’t set out to do anything or achieve anything other than work, eat, sleep and live my life.And I was OK with that really. But I did find myself wanting more. I want more for my children. What parent doesn’t? I want more for myself. I want to have a real life book published. I want to open my own hair salon in a trendy spot in London. I want to run (or at least eat in) a banana specific cafe. I want to eat dark chocolate chip cookies with a side of raspberries with Hugh Jackman. << He mentioned it on twitter. I’ve been dreaming about it ever since.
And despite all this ‘I want doesn’t get’ …. sometimes it’s good to want things. Because sometimes those things you want can inspire you to change. Wanting doesn’t always have to be seen as a greedy term. It can just be seen as a feeling much like desperation or being excited. It’s a thing we all feel at some point and it is nothing to be ashamed of.
And since the first of January came whooshing in with his winter sky, I have probably been guilty of wanting a few things as you saw above.
I got called in to a work shift today that I wasn’t supposed to be in for. I had been looking forward to spending the weekend with the two littles. Our plans were minimal. Park before the bad weather hits, a few films and bizarrely enough…. teaching Leona how to knit. Along with analogies, it’s another thing I’m shit at.
BUT, even though I needed the weekend with the littles who I miss every single day they are at school, I am also a single parent with a ‘think of the money’ attitude. So I got wrapped up to face the icy weather and started the journey to work.
I found chaos when I arrived. We were horrendously short staffed on a Saturday and I was given the joyous news that the area manager was coming in. (He’s actually a very nice guy but completely terrifying because ….you know. He’s the area manager.)
There must have been something in the air because we had some pretty grouchy customers in today. Some people were just plain rude. That is a whole other post that I am sure I have written about before but honestly guys, there is no need for rudeness. You don’t have to go in a shop and make friends with the person serving you, but a friendly thanks probably wouldn’t go amiss.
One customer I was serving, who was also pretty damn rude, decided to start paying out the six pound fifty four pence she owed in five and ten pence pieces. And she had no hurry despite knowing there was a horrendous queue behind her and I was the only one on the till. (When I say we were short staffed…. we really were.)
I honestly nearly lost my rag when she got to five pounds and ninety pence then shook her empty purse at me and wondered if I would let her have the stuff anyway. No chance love, so many reasons why not….but the main ones being 1) I would lose my job and 2) You were a bit of a miserable old bag to me. So she stood there in a huff while I tried to breathe my anger away and smile at the annoyed customers behind her.
While she figured out what to put back out of her three items….. I had a moment. It was one of those moments where if I was a cartoon character, a bubble would come out of my head and my moment would be displayed for all non cartoonish people to see.
And that moment was this….. Yes, I am standing here in a heaving shop where the heating doesn’t work properly and my hands were like ice and I couldn’t feel my feet. Yes I wanted to be with my littles, watching a DVD on the sofa or having one of them read their school book to me. Yes I had been moaned at all morning by customers because we were understaffed and yes the lady I was currently serving was being the mare of a nightmare customer. But doesn’t all that just seem so ridiculously small and insignificant?!
Life is a mixed bag. You muddle through, you survive, you live it and you get happy, sad and something in between. I realised just how lucky and privileged I was while standing there waiting for the queen of small silver coins. I was lucky to be able to stand behind a freezing till for hours on end. Someone close to me at the moment is badly injured and in a large amount of pain…. they can’t bear to stand for five seconds let alone hours. I went on an eight mile hike with the big brother the other day and grumbled a bit. But I shouldn’t have grumbled because the fact I can do that ….. I should be appreciating those things. And I do. I really do. When I was younger and watched Forest Gump, when he starts running, I always said to myself that I wanted to do that. Just minus the running. I wanted to walk and see where it took me. The world is a beautiful place and the only way you get to see it is by getting out and about. Whether that is through a muddy eight mile hike when you aren’t wearing the right shoes or through a car window…. it’s still magical.
Also…. I am thankful to have a job. I mean…. it’s not the dream job of writing a load of fictional garbage and seeing it be a best seller in paperback form, but it is a paying job. And it’s not a bad one either. I really enjoy my job most days. I’ve done all sorts. Hairdressing, bar work, cleaning, care work…… some jobs ain’t easy. Care work is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life and I salute anyone that can do it. In fact, a Rock Of Ages fan I used to speak to is currently doing a care job. She’s a young girl and I see her doing those twelve hour night shifts and going to work most days a week and I completely admire her for it. I’ve never told her that… we don’t speak much anymore but just in case she’s reading this , Keep at it Danii, you are doing an incredible job!!
Then there are the hard jobs I have never tried, nurses, factories, fast food workers….. anything really. There are much more grueling jobs than mine. I get to see all the new make up products and smell all the perfumes. I also get to buy chocolate at the end of a shift 😉 Nothing bad about that. Superdrug is a fun crowd to be part of.
And I am lucky because I know that after my shift, I DO get to go home to two little people who I love with all my heart and know that they love me. I get to smile as they tell me what they got up to while I was at work. I then get to do the daily chores and make dinner. I get to have a roof over my head.
I can even make myself dark chocolate chip cookies with raspberries on the side and have Hugh Jackman with me. In film form of course.
So yes, I am lucky.
And as I said at the start of this post, I like yellow. Yellow is my favourite colour and if that happens to be my colour of grass right now, it’s fine. Because sometimes…. green is a fine line between boogey and mould on a piece of bread. Green can also be the colour of leeks and leeks are honestly awesome so …. I would be happy with green grass as well. But as long as I am happy with my yellow corn grass stuff then that is the main thing. Everyone can be happy with their grass if they choose to be. I started this post by saying 2015 has been standard, but that is only because I have made it so. I haven’t made time for the excitement yet but it will come.
Despite the things that life can hand us, we all choose our moods. We choose happiness. If we waste our time being sad, angry, or even just……. average, then we are wasting some precious moments.
Despite my deep life is amazing thing I had while serving the customer, I nearly ruined my clarity straight away by swearing out loud when she finally decided on what item to put back and then started counting out her silver again. She literally counted it all very slowly, then for some reason, picked it all up and dropped it randomly on the counter leaving me to pick up the rolling coins as she walked out without waiting for her receipt or saying thanks. Manners. People lack them nowadays that’s for sure.
Luckily, that queue of what I thought were angry customers turned out to be lovely. When I apologised to them for the wait they ALL stressed to me it wasn’t my fault and that they understood.
Moving on to an entirely different subject…. the littles were having a conversation about weather earlier. It was brilliant.
Leona: We were learning about weather at school and had to write down all the different types of rain.
Lex: I watched this programme about rain and they said that a really bad rain is tarantula rain.
Leona: There isn’t such a thing as tarantula rain.
Lex: There is. CBBC said it. Tarantula rain is really heavy and wet. (All rain is wet son, but carry on.)
Leona: No Lex, tarantula is a spider. You know those big hairy spiders that are bigger than normal and I pretended one was on your head once?
Lex: Yeah I know but it is also a rain.
Leona: I think you mean torentionally rain.
Lex. No. I mean tarantula.
Leona: I should know Lex, I was the one learning about it. Maybe when you are in year four, you will understand.
Me trying to calmly diffuse the situation: Uh… guys, you were both so close but you mean torrential.
Leona: I said that.
Lex: No you didn’t , you said tarantula.
Leona: What? YOU said tarantula. I said what Mum said.
I walked away at that point. coffee was needed.
It’s nearly half past midnight and I need to dream about eating cookies with Hugh Jackman. I will let you all get on with enjoying your shade of grass.